ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
