Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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