So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
