woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
