I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
