I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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