this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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