my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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