Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
