we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
