Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
