Where is the hickey?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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