in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
