shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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