look no pants
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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