My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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