I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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