Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
