Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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