your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize