i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
