Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
