Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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