your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
