I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
