mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can you bring me the toilet please
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
