He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
