i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
