why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I only lived at night.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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