I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
