rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize