He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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