two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Two words: nipple clamps
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