I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
