Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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