If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
