Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
