we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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