there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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