You're earring is so big in my mouth
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Houston, we have a squirter
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
