I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
