Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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