At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
