my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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