You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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