he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My penis needs a shock collar
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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