we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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