We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
