Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
