he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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