So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize