I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
