I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
