Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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