There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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