haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if only i could text you this smell
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
